Speechless.

Life is tough for some and that's what sucks the most. I feel terrible now, and have never thought something could happen like this.

I should explain.

During the summer my friend Deren visited his hometown Quebec. That's where he has all his old friends and stuff. Then one night they were having a party and him and I were talking on msn and he was introducing me to tons of people. They were all so nice, and this one girl that was friends with him (Jannett) was talking to me a lot after that night and we became pretty good friends. And I was very happy that I had a French friend =D
Anyway, she added me on msn and then one day she told me that she loved Deren. They were basiclly friends since they were about 7 or 8 and for Deren to hear that his closest girl friend liked him, was a bit shocking for him. So he was put in a very uncomfortable position after Jannett herself had told him that she liked him, and he stopped calling her or talking to her. She was of course, upset so she talked to him and I tried to give her advice. I think everything went well from there...until...

I talked to her again one time.

We were just having our conversation when I realized that she sounded different by her words and all. So I asked her what was going on yet she acted like nothing was wrong. Then it took me a few tries to actually get it out of her.

Jannett : I have cancer.

It was hard to find what to say when your eyes are still, your brain is frozen and your fingers have lost their touch. That's how I felt. I couldn't say anything at all, that is, when I managed to ask her questions. She gave me all her answers straight forward until the last one came when I asked, "Does Darren know?"
Then there was this pause...
...
And then she admitted that she didn't tell him yet. That's when everything got a little tricky and she told me not to tell him myself. I knew that it would be hard for me since I got to school with him and Jannett lives millions of miles away from him. So I kept my mouth shut the whole time. Not one word had come out until she said that maybe it would've been better for me to tell him.
I understood how hard it was for her to tell her best friend that she was sick... very sick. But, people gotta understand that there are things that need to be done by themselves.. and that's what I told her. Although she didn't listen and I totally got caught off guard when I told Darren everything in the end.
It was hard, veryy hard. He was upset the whole day...and even the whole week. But then things started to lighten up. He started calling Jannett more, talking to her. Both of them became happy. And who said that people who have cancer can't smile? Jannett always did. Even though she was sick, I did feel that those two were getting more closer to each other.

So then, I went on msn and I saw Jannett online :

Me: Heyy!!

Jannett: Hey.. ??
Jannett: Who are you?

(I didn't understand what was going on at that time.)

Me: Vanessa.

Jannett: Oh, yeah!! I remember you! Hey, it's Lawrence.

(Then it hit me! Lawrence was one of the guys I talked to on msn when Darren was in Quebec and introduced me to his friends)

Me: Oh hey! Sorry, I thought Jannett was there.

Lawrence: You thought Jannett was here?
Lawrence: Wait, do you know?

Me: Know what?

Lawrence: That she had passed away.

_______________________

That was tough. Hearing that gave me not only a shock but a scare because right then I started thinking about Darren. Obviously, he had found out and didn't come to school for a few days. And when he did, I could see dark circles around his eyes that were all red and swollen. I have never seen anyone as worse as him. And I do feel bad for everything.

I try to comfort him but I don't think it's working, he just wants to be alone. He probably wants to talk to Jannett in his thoughts or something. Or maybe he's remembering everything in the past. But all I know is that I gotta give him space and so does everyone else.

And now today before I started writing this, I was reading the Message History I have between me and Jannett, and realized that I forgot to tell Darren the most important thing.

Jannett: Tell Darren that I will always love him.


xox, Vanessa.

Erasing the Past While Writing the Future.

Took longer than I thought. Sorry about that.
It's just that i can't seem to find anything to talk about, nothing that happened so far will interest you I'm just gonna warn you before you read it.

So careful ...you might get REALLY REALLY bored,,

I'm warning you ....


___________________________

Alright, well school started like 2 or 3 weeks ago, hard to tell. And it's been weird. There were like a lot of changes with the classes and everything, luckily I was able to stay in the same class with tons of my friends which I'm happy about :)
But then my smile faded when the devil came.... DUN DUN DUN.

It's Cameron.
Since i hadn't talked to him for the past 6 months I figured it would be really hard to start talking to him now. So I didn't.
I mean, we weren't dating, we weren't friends...we weren't anything. So why should i spend my valuable time talking to him?
Haha, well that all changed when a week later when i was forced to sit in a table group with him and this other annoying dork.
Well i was like, whatever, he's not gonna bother me. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! He all of the sudden started stealing my pencil case, binders, books...EVERYTHING. Then he hit me with an elastic band in the fricken eye..and so on.

So techniclly, i was forced to talk to him...sadly :(
I was soo annoyed that i finally walked up to the teacher was like "I hate them. Please let me switch spots with someone else." and she was like "i'll think about it"
And now i gotta wait, and wait....and wait. ffffuuun.

But the weirdest part is that he's acting like everything is okay. Like there was no past between us. Yet I still can't get that out of my mind of how we were dating. Now that i think about it, i can not believe i went out with that guy, he's an idiot. =D I'm saying that in the nicest way possible.

He currently has a girlfriend and by all the things I've heard from people I'm guessing she's not the greatest. But what am I to do in this situation? My one friend is head over heals for him and she's upset over the fact that he's dating her. She's "heartbroken" as she said. :P Oh well ..


And now when everyday hits, one day from the past erases, and surprisingly, I'm not worried about that. Because I'm the one who's clearing it all, since there's nothing really in 'need' of remembering. From now on, I'm gonna look forward not back (sort of what like Cameron is doing) but in my own way =D
Let's grab that eraser and pen and,
Off we go...

-Vanessa. <3>

I'm Alive, No Worries!

Hey there :)

Don't worry, I didn't die! I'm just here to let you know that I'll post soon.

Just not now because it's kinda late :P

But soon.

I promise :) Stay tuned.

Love, Vanessa

Time Flies By

yup...you know how my blogs usually start off so...here it is...

IM SOO SORRYY...IM SORRYY IM SORRY IM SORRYY..

=]...hope that'll cover it, if not...then i dont know what else to do. Basiclly, there is a site that i have been going on most of my time and i kinda forgot about blogging for a while seems like time just goes by so quickly, but now i have returned with TONS of updates, soo im gonna list them but im only gonna explain a few.

UPDATES

-had a party for my birthday, invited some friends...and that was the day that Phoebe and Sara got into a huge fight.

-went to Mexico for a week after my birthday and got a sweet tan while relaxing with a cool drink.

-got into a few fights with some friends but managed to handle them.

-my friend Loretta had a few accidents in her family, her dad was in a car accident at night and her brother got stabbed in downtown in a parking lot. =S

-had my final performances for my play and we ended up doing awesome...no one screwed up their lines =D

-and today had track and field which wasn't so great.

so that's about it.

-------------------------

ok and now i'll explain a few...

when i had my party i invited about 20 people including Phoebe and Sara and i thought they would get along great since they were 2 of my bestest friends...but i was soo wrong.
You see, a little while ago before my birthday, they both wanted to meet each other so we decided to all go to a movie and we did. It had turned out to be really great, we talked and laughed and acted like friends, that's when i thought that they didn't mind each other.
And that's when it came to my party, i invited both of them and then things kinda became awkward. By that i mean, they both weren't talking to each other that much, just a simple 'hi' was all they said. It wasn't anything big but when i was opening my present Phoebe and Cassey (remember her? in my first post i talked about her saying that i've known her as long as i've known Phoebe and we are all great friends) were sitting right beside me and once in a little while i'd turn to them and start talking. and Sara justkept looking at us and then whispered something into Loretta's ear. That's when everything started.
It was me and a few friends dancing when i saw a lot of people outside crowded around each other and talking quietly and right when i walked by they all hushed each other and there was that awkard silence. i told Phoebe and Cassey what i saw and they called over Kelly and asked what was going on. And she said that Sara was asking people if they liked Phoebe and what they thought of her and Sara was also saying how she thought that Phoebe would try and steal me away from her. =
Right then, i was so mad that i didn't even look at her or talk to her until the end of the party when i said 'bye'.
At the end of the party, Loretta stayed and told Phoebe and me what Sara said and Phoebe started crying a bit. =[ but after a few days Sara called me telling me that she was sorry and explained what she was doing in her own words. i responded by saying its ok and telling her that next time she sees me spending time with other people then she should tell me rather than go around asking people what they think of a person.
i told Phoebe she was sorry and she said "fine i accept her apology" but she really didn't because one day when Loretta was over at Sara's house, Sara asked Loretta to as Phoebe if she like her and guess what the answer was? Yup...turns out Phoebe does not like her at all! In fact she kinda hates her. Sara took it personally and now whenever she hears her name she starts thinking about the situation.

Crazy friend drama dont u think?...and the worst part of all this is that i gotta be in the middle of it...not so fun once u think about it. i hope that it will end though...cuz im sick of it.

Anyway, im gonna go now...im too tired to write anything else, think ill just go and take a nice long nap. ill try to explain the rest laterr.

bye guys! <3>

He Came, She Ran

Wanna hear a funny story?

First let me just start off by saying that I spend most of my March Break with Phoebe. It was pretty fun, I met her friend Karlene and we were hanging out playing x-box and stuff. Then we went to her dad's house and I spend the night there. After, I went home homeworking and other junk and I had to go to my mom's work to help her out the next morning. Luckily, Phoebe invited me to this Spring Fling thing that's like so awesome. It had all these rides and stuff, pretty fun. So when I finished working I got dropped off and her dad took us there [which by the way was a pain because he had all these rules but while he was telling us what and what not to do we listened to her ipod :P].

Anyway, this is where the story begins, at the Spring Fling...I thought it was pretty funny the way it happened so I'll share.

When we arrived there we got blinded by all the lights. It was in the Rogers Center and there were tons and tons of rides. We had been there last year but this year there were some new rides that looked awesome. So, we dropped all our stuff on the seats and her dad just sat down with the newspaper in his hands saying, "Have Fun." and I knew we would have amazing fun I mean we had 60 bucks in our pockets, enough for food, drinks and GAMES :O. We skipped around till we found the perfect ride and I gotta admit it was the best one that we had been on there. So we got in line and it was soo freakishly long, we stood there for about a half and hour but it paid off at the end. It was called "Zero Gravity" and you know those spinning things where it's just like a circle and you just stand there while it spins and goes up? Well, that was one of them [if you don't know what I'm talking about then it doesn't matter because it's not really important.]
Then we decided to go on another ride, which looked okay, we kinda thought that we were gonna have fun. So while standing in line I was looking around all bored I saw these three guys standing on our right. One guy was tall and had blonde hair, then there was this little kid who looked about 9 or 10...something like that and the other one was pretty cute, had blonde hair and was a little shorter then the first guy. And everytime my eyes passed them, I caught them always staring at us. And I was like, lmao, it would be funny if they came over and said something. Then after like a minute they went on the other side cutting in front of us saying "Excuse me" and then I was like, nevermind, that won't happen :P.
And even Phoebe whispered in my ear that they were staring at us...and I was happy I wasn't imagining it.
We kept waiting some more then all of the sudden this guy pops up beside us and was like "My friend wanted to ask how old you guys are."
I stood there in shock and looked at Phoebe moving around and thinking What do I say? What do I say? I know that the only thing I did say was "Why?" he didn't answer me though he just stood there staring at us waiting for an answer. Then Phoebe told both our ages and the guy left.
After he did she was like, "Damn! I should've told him i was like 10 or something."
And I said, "Um, have you seen how tall you are?"
"Well," She began thinking, "I'll just say that I am too big for my age...or something like that."
Then she started freaking out a little she was like, "Oh my god...what do we do? Should we go? I don't wanna do this...Vanessa...why aren't you freaking out?"
I wasn't gonna freak out, this is something that I was pretty excited about and I wanted them to ask me another question but THIS time...I would answer. It turned out that another question did come our way except it wasn't the tall guy it was the 10 year old. He came over and was like, "My brother wanted to know if you guys wanted to hang out."
Before I could answer, Phoebe turned to him and said, "Sorry we can't." And I was like What? No, no, no. Don't ruin this for me Phoebe. So, I spoke up and said, "Yes we will." With a smile. Phoebe turned to me shocked with a frightened face on and whispered, "No! Vanessa!"
And right when the boy was about to leave I was like, "No wait, wait. Um-...just say...um....that we-....that we'll get back to them." Finally I chose my words! And he ran to tell them.
Phoebe turned to me and was like, "No, I don't wanna hang out with them. Why did you say yes?" Then I told her that I didn't...I specificly said we'll get back to them. During her panic attack her dad called telling us after the ride was over we were to meet him at the seats. Once she hung up she quickly put the phone in her pocket and started swearing and stuff saying that she didn't want to show her phone because they might see it and ask for the number and call her pretending to be her dad...blah blah blah. I stook there looking at her with a blank face and was like, "Are you serious?" She also kept telling me what they might do and how they can track her down etc. You have no idea how hard I was laughing... I had never seen her so freaked out, it was hilarious!!
Then all of the sudden she was like, "Let's choose fake names...you know just incase." I was like Okay let's have some fun. And I chose mine to be Veronica...I don't know why...I've always liked that name. And she chose hers to be Katie.
No surprise when that kid came again this time saying, "Could he have your cell number?"
Haha, he did see her cell, so she replied, "No sorry, it's my dad's"
Then he said, "Well we have to leave now so how about your home phone number?"
And she said, 'Um...sorry we live in Washington. We're hear to visit. Right Veronica?"
"Right Katie," I said winking making it obvious for the kid that we were making it up, of course she saw it and kicked my foot, "Ow! I mean to say...GO WASHINGTON!!!" I raised my hand saying it as loud as I could. He nodded and left and I knew I wouldn't see them again. I laughed even more after and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I feel bad for that guy though...all he wanted was her cell number and to hang out...but I guess Phoebe doesn't like to do that. She then made me swear not to tell her dad about this because he would be like, "Alright...who is he? Point with your finger...is it that guy? It's that guy right? I'm not going anywhere until I find him. It's that guy isn't it?"....See what I mean?
Then we drove to a restaraunt had our dinner, came back home watched Vacancy and American Haunting and I slept over again!

Now I'm home the next day writing this which took me longer than I expected. And just to let you know when Phoebe kicked me, it left a little bruise of memory. Now everytime I look at it I laugh lol :P...[looking at it now :D]. So it might not seem funny to you but you just had to be there...the way Phoebe looked, how she said things that were lies and especially that night when I slept over, she kept stating AGAIN all the reasons why she didn't give them her number. But I always thought that she was outgoing...that she liked to take risks...oh well...guess she doesn't like to take these kind.

Anyway, I'll post soon...later guys. <3

GOOOO WASHINGTON!!!

I Feel Bad

Man, dances this whole year haven't been going great, lately they've been soo confusing.
i have another one to add to the collection which was today.
I though it would be an awesome day, remember how i love dances? Well, I was soo happy that i decided to forget about Cameron in there and just be with my friends dancing like crazy. And, i did...surprsingly, everyone started to dance under five minutes this time! i couldn't believe my eyes!:P.
So we did and all of the sudden i feel a tap on my shoulder, i turn around to see this guy Aaron standing there and he asked me, "Um...Ryan wanted me to ask you something." Oh boy, i knew it was coming my way and was now surprised to hear him say, "he wanted to ask if you can dance with him." i stood there not shocked, not surprised just with a plain face on that kinda told him i knew it already. i kept lowering my head every second thinking of what i should say.
Let me first tell you who Ryan is...well...he's someone who liked me for the whole year and still does even when i was going out with Cameron. i don't know if i told you this or not but he had asked me to dance with him at the Halloween dance when he clearly knew that i was going out with Cameron. And, he also kept asking me the whole time if i liked him or not [actually he used other people to ask for him]...of course i said no. He wasn't my type and i highly doubted that i would say yes. So he kept bothering me for a while and it got annoying at that point, i mean even people started making fun of us and i tried not to take it personally. Anyway, i wanted to tell him to stop but i was too afraid and backed out and things were kinda quiet for a little while with all of this. Then, last week he signed up for the Talent Show and told everyone that he was gonna play a song on the trumpet for me...and i was like...ggrreeatt here we go, back on this ride again. And lastly, the day before the dance he flipped a coin saying if it landed on heads then he would ask me to dance with him and if it landed on tails then he wouldn't...and unfortunatly you know what it landed on and i wasn't too happy about the flipping coing thing.
Anyway, back to the dance...so when Aaron asked me that, i thought about it and saw Ryan stand there behind him but before i could say my answer all my friends pulled me away and stepped in saying, "No,she can't" Okkayy, they said it kinda all for me but i think they should've left it all up to me, i don't think i want people speaking for my mind. But then again they did the same thing the last dance so yeaa. After a couple of songs later Ryan this time called my name and asked me if i wanted to dance again. It sounded like he took that "No she can't" as a "Maybe...she'll think about it." So i told him maybe a little later knowing i wouldn't do it and felt bad for saying that. Then he walked away, coming back to me on a slow song while i was sitting all tired out of dancing, he asked me again and i told him that i was going to take a break. When he left and my friends and i waited for another song, we went back on the dance floor and started dancing again happily. No surprise later on when HE came along and asked AGAIN but this time i couldn't make up excuses and i just said, "Sorry i can't" That was pretty straight forward and he just said ok under his breath as i tried to say sorry again.
So then i had my last song with all my friends together and i was feeling kidna down, feeling bad knowing i'd hurt someone in some way until my friends just gave THAT stare and i started dancing normally. Although that still didn't stop me from feeling bad, i walked back home thinking and thinking and thinking. Hoping that after the March Break he would find someone else to go after and not me. If he doesn't...well then, i guess i'm gonna have to do more talking with him.

Byeee.

Quick One

Gonna make this a quick post...i'm just sitting here waiting for Phoebe to come over, because she's sleeping over and we're going to the movies with Cassey tomorrow to see Fool's Gold.
i heard it was supposed to be good...but i don't know we'll see. Anyways, as long as i'm here i might as well tell you what's been happening since my last post.
Well let's just start of with the obvious. Valentine's was kinda sucky...i mean we had no dance or anything and even if there was a dance i wouldn't be very excited about it. i don't know why but i'm not into them anymore. People keep saying that it's all because Cameron...but i don't think so.
Speaking of him, i did some deep thinking a while ago and realized that i still couldn't get over him! It's just insane i mean i should be FINISHED with him...he should be out of my mind by now but nnooo...everything i think of or see remindes me of him. i don't want to be doing this.
When i see him in he hall or somewhere, i turn around and go the other way...ughh i hate this. I told my friend Kelsey about this and she said that i just need more time to get over it. But i've already had enough time!! It's been almost 2 months i mean how much more time do i need?!??!

*Deep Breath*

Okayy...i just need to calm down. Sorry, this has been bugging me a lot lately and i can't deal with it anymore but oh well, i suppose that something can turn out great from all this...i just hope it's soon.
Anyway, i better go now Phoebe will be here any minute.
If you guys have anything to say, just comment and i'll be reading =].

Latterrr All.<3